Just in time for wedding season, TheKnot.com unleashed this year’s hot new wedding trends, such as the increasing use of the color green, more elaborate wedding favors, and inviting llamas as guests.

There’s also a trend where you— what’s that? Yes, I said llamas. But we’ll get to that later. First I want to tell you about the helicopter.

It’s a part of one of the new trends The Knot calls, “Grand Getaways.”

A getaway is when the bride and groom leave the reception. Ideally, together. Normal couples — couples The Knot would probably refer to as low-life scum — leave in a car, oftentimes with Budweiser cans strung to the bumper and crude messages inscribed on the back window by a drunken groomsman.

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The Knot, however, says you should “surprise your guests with an unexpected getaway, like in a horse-drawn carriage.” The hard part, of course, is finding a horse who is able to draw a carriage. Most can’t even draw a circle.

Their other hot getaway trend is to leave “by helicopter.” It’s expensive, so a cheaper option would be to wait for Uncle Earl to hit the dance floor, then once his heart attack kicks in, bum a ride on Flight for Life.

Either way, dashing away from your wedding via helicopter is the ultimate in class. Not to brag, but we had a helicopter at my wedding. It had a giant spotlight and the letters “S.W.A.T.” on the side. My wife’s relatives must be really afraid of flying because once it appeared, they all started running in different directions.

As for gift trends? Instead of the traditional wedding registry full of silverware or china, TheKnot says a couple should include unique items, claiming, “You can ask for anything under the sun.”

I like how they say “You can” when they really mean “the bride can.” The woman is always fully in control of the wedding registry. The groom may not even know there is a wedding registry. (He may not know there is a wedding).

Plus, realistically, you cannot “ask for anything.” At least the groom can’t. He may want, say, a crankshaft for the Chevy 350 engine he’s rebuilding. But that won’t go on a wedding registry, and even if it did, it would be penciled in far down on the list, way after pot holders.

Inviting animals to your wedding is another hot new trend.

The Knot says, “The hottest wedding guests have four legs and supersoft coats. From bunnies to donkeys, couples are incorporating more than just their pets into their wedding.”

Fine, but any guy who thinks the “hottest wedding guest has four legs” has spent too much time at the open bar.

In the The Knot’s article, there’s a picture from a recent wedding in which an actual llama was one of the invitees. He’s draped with a bow tie, standing near the human guests, probably wondering why he’s the only one spitting at bridesmaids.

I didn’t have a llama in a bow tie at my wedding, although I did have one dressed in lingerie at my bachelor party.

Now let’s get to reception entertainment trends, because some of you engaged couples are still doing the same old standard DJ routine, whereas The Knot says you should “Think outside the box with an aerialist or ballerinas in tutus.”

It reminds me when Marie and I planned our reception:


■ Ritz crackers

■ Cheese platter from Sam’s Club

■ Keg of Coors Light

■ Ballerinas in tutus

Of course, you don’t need to get all fancy and hire an aerialist or ballerinas to entertain your guests. If you’re on a budget, you can just go with the aerialist.

An even cheaper form of entertainment is to just wait for that point during the reception when they play “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang (it’s the law), and sit back and watch your tipsy Aunt Margaret dance in pumps she hasn’t worn in 15 years.

So those are the trends you upcoming brides and grooms need to strictly follow, unless you want to suffer an emotionally traumatic divorce within a year. It’s your call.

I realize incorporating these trends may be expensive, but they’ll ensure you have a fun, memorable wedding day – one sure to be appreciated by all of your guests. Even the llamas.

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